Another Phase

The design of life has been unfriendly to me lately.

Today I remember someone who could've just said the most terrible thing to my face, "You are a nobody."

It kept echoing inside my head. Over and over again. I felt useless. Hopeless. I was crying and weeping. I got no one to hold on to.

You know when there is one reason that you should stand for, which is to be someone who can give out to others, instead, you've been acknowledged as a burden to someone else's life. You didn't even get admitted to be a part of their lives. Ever. Can you imagine the heartache that I've had recently?

I even failed to attract one guy that I think the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen in life. Well, yeah, I tried to talk to him. I messaged him and I kept doing the wrong things. I didn't know what to do anymore. I feel I'm like being cursed. Am I being cursed? Why am I so unfortunate in this relationship thing? Why? 

This guy... he's attractive, he's smart, funny, he's good looking. He has good taste in music as well (which is a plus for me!). And I know for sure that we can be a good partner. He also has boundaries over principles that he knows not to cross over with. And I think that's sexy. Well, the thing is, I just kept doing this thing over and over again. I cannot even sure if he's attracted to me, or not. I felt stupid. 

I didn't mean to complaint, or brag something that I know I shouldn't brag. No. I just... simply don't know what to do.

People often mistaken my being picky over a guy who will later being my partner-in-crime for life. Maybe I should be picky. Maybe? Maybe not? Beats me.

I even tried to call some of my friends and they think that I got arrogant enough for not saying 'yes' to their invitation to go outside. It's not that I don't want to. I don't have any vaccination card that others have to get the access to go everywhere. I'm not sure that I can go anywhere, even I want to.

Maybe I'm also a bad friend? Great, now the more I'm thinking of it, the more panic that I get in my head. Am I a screwed up?

D*mmit.