Another Phase

The design of life has been unfriendly to me lately.

Today I remember someone who could've just said the most terrible thing to my face, "You are a nobody."

It kept echoing inside my head. Over and over again. I felt useless. Hopeless. I was crying and weeping. I got no one to hold on to.

You know when there is one reason that you should stand for, which is to be someone who can give out to others, instead, you've been acknowledged as a burden to someone else's life. You didn't even get admitted to be a part of their lives. Ever. Can you imagine the heartache that I've had recently?

I even failed to attract one guy that I think the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen in life. Well, yeah, I tried to talk to him. I messaged him and I kept doing the wrong things. I didn't know what to do anymore. I feel I'm like being cursed. Am I being cursed? Why am I so unfortunate in this relationship thing? Why? 

This guy... he's attractive, he's smart, funny, he's good looking. He has good taste in music as well (which is a plus for me!). And I know for sure that we can be a good partner. He also has boundaries over principles that he knows not to cross over with. And I think that's sexy. Well, the thing is, I just kept doing this thing over and over again. I cannot even sure if he's attracted to me, or not. I felt stupid. 

I didn't mean to complaint, or brag something that I know I shouldn't brag. No. I just... simply don't know what to do.

People often mistaken my being picky over a guy who will later being my partner-in-crime for life. Maybe I should be picky. Maybe? Maybe not? Beats me.

I even tried to call some of my friends and they think that I got arrogant enough for not saying 'yes' to their invitation to go outside. It's not that I don't want to. I don't have any vaccination card that others have to get the access to go everywhere. I'm not sure that I can go anywhere, even I want to.

Maybe I'm also a bad friend? Great, now the more I'm thinking of it, the more panic that I get in my head. Am I a screwed up?

D*mmit.

Lost

I'm crumbled.

I just felt like writing this thing is totally unachievable. In order to make my feelings better, maybe? Or maybe not.

Writing this in Sunday afternoon makes me like... wanna throw up.

I don't even know where to begin.

I feel like a failure. What's there to see now? In these past few months, I learnt that I need to let some things go. Some things that are not meant to be. Even it's hard for me to admit it, it's just there.

I fell for a wrong guy. Two, actually. The one that came from the past, and the other one was just simply... a mistake.

I screwed up big time I didn't how to fix it. I almost thought myself into a suicidal act. 

I got depressed. I made mistakes. Terrible mistakes. And I'm scared. It was totally out of control. I even went to psychologist, just to see if I could find my solution there. Yet, I still felt empty. 

I didn't want to do to all the favorite activities that I used to love -- music, reading some books, watching Netflix. I simply got numb. This is the second time the depression attacked me.

At first, when I knew that the second guy only took me for granted, then I ran back to the first guy, which I thought that he could be supporting me, and cheered me up. Instead, he left me again. Alone. 

I felt like hitting the rock bottom. Twice. It's hard for me to climb up, not in my condition. 

For days, I've been trying to figure out things. I tried to restore all of the balance that I've lost. I tried to regain my confidence, my dignity, my pride, and else. 

I feel like a loser. A total loser. I kept telling myself if I could ever get through this. Or if I should just end up my life instead? Don't you think it would be much easier, so I won't be a burden for everyone around me, anymore?

Throughout my years of life, I never thought that I would go through this. I feel like there's a bidding war inside me, will I end up my life or should I just move on and pretend nothing has happened?

Actually, I cannot pretend that it's not happened. I have to admit that it's hard for me. It's hurting me as well. I have to admit that I'M NOT OKAY.

I simply don't know what to do. And that's okay too. I finally realized that my overthinking (up until now) still gets the best of me. It's okay to not know the answer today. It's okay to just move on.

Maybe for some people, it's only gonna take weeks. For others, maybe months. Or maybe for me, years? I don't know. No one knows. I just need to take a courage to make a first step to move forward. 

Maybe, I just need to fly away the white flag for myself. I have to make peace with me. Maybe I need to learn that there are some things that I cannot control. And I just need to let them go.

I know. It's hard for me too. But I gotta do what I gotta do. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Even you don't know what that is now, you'll know it in the future. God has arranged it all for all of us. He knows what's best for us. Although maybe it's hard to be accepted by our logical minds now, but trust me, it's for the best.

Being heartbroken, or ghosted, or rejected. All those pains, it'll go away. Maybe not now, but it will be getting better in time. The pains -- they are gonna make you stronger that you never thought about it in the first place. 

I know for some people, the ego said that "I'm way much better, I don't wanna cry for that man!" or "I'm a strong woman, I can do this!" And believe me, you will! But that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to hit the rock bottom first. It's okay to fall. It's okay to feel the pain. It's okay to not be okay. It doesn't make you any less of human being. It makes you, you.

The moment I'm writing this, I just need to do one simple thing. That whether I like it or not, I need to make a change. And there's no better person in the world that can do that, except me. 

I simply just not only need to move forward, and also to leave all this b*llshit behind my back.